Am I My Brother's Keeper?

"You shall not oppress a stranger, for you know the feelings of the stranger, having yourselves been strangers in the land of Egypt" (Exodus 23:9)

"Do not stand idly by while your neighbor's blood is being spilled." (Leviticus 19:16) 

Tonight I went to a Dinner and Dialogue at Hillel, but it was an interfaith event. I was a little uncertain about going to an interfaith event, since I am in this weird interfaith stage and don't necessarily speak from or for a particular faith. It ended up OK but it really got me thinking. There is never enough time at these things for everyone to say everything they were thinking, and what I wanted to say didn't really fit naturally into our conversation. Lucky for you all who now get to read it!

The topic of discussion was "For whom are we responsible?" and we were guided somewhat by the Torah verses above. At my table at least, we all agreed that being responsible includes other people: taking care of them, standing up for them, helping them in whatever ways they need. We feel responsible for our family members, our friends, and our religion. A Muslim girl spoke about how she feels like she represents Islam to people and feared that by not saying hello to two people she really disliked for legitimate reasons that they would dislike all Muslims. If people would dislike Muslims just because one Muslim didn't say hello, then they're dumb. But there are lots of dumb people in this world so her fear was real and justified. This made me think about my own life. I never felt like I represented Christianity or Catholicism, mostly because I grew out of that stage by the time I would have started feeling that kind of responsibility. But could I represent Judaism to someone? Could I handle that responsibility? I think that's an important thing people must consider when converting, regardless of what religion. Do you want to be the face of that religion to some people and carry the responsibility of properly representing your chosen faith? I'm to a point now where I can answer people's questions about Judaism without hesitation. I'm not the most articulate person, but I can do it. If people ask a question, I know what the Jewish response would be.

But I am getting a little off topic. For whom are we responsible? In short, everyone. We are responsible for each other because we are all a part of the human race. Rabbi Joseph Telushkin wrote that when G-d asked Cain what happened to Abel and Cain responded, "What? Am I my brother's keeper?" that the entire rest of the Torah answers emphatically, YES! The Torah tells us that yes, we are our brothers' and sisters' keepers. We are responsible for one another because G-d made all of us with care.

One of the discussion questions that we never got to asked us to share a story that demonstrates what responsibility means to us. I didn't get to share my story and it's really the whole reason I wanted to post tonight. Almost nine years ago, one of my best friend's older brother died. He died in an accident, but not really. He was at college, the same college I go to now, and lived in an apartment with three or four other people. They had a party and when it got late they said OK everyone, go home. Eventually, everyone filtered out and they went to bed. This is how parties go, right? Well, apparently some people weren't happy about the party ending because they came back. They were not empty handed. They stuffed towels into beer bottles, essentially making little bombs, and threw them into the house, through the windows. The house caught fire and they ran.

My friend's brother died that night because of some drunk dumbasses who were never caught because they ran. Who knows, maybe the people (or person?) were too drunk to remember. But they probably just didn't want to go to jail for manslaughter. Her brother was a good person, studied hard, played golf, did community service. He died because it was time for the party to end. He was responsible in ending the party and the people who didn't agree ended his life. Does doing something stupid when you're drunk excuse you from it? No, not in the slightest. I hate when people try to excuse their behavior by saying "Oh, well I was drunk." And if you're making fire bombs when you're drunk, then you need to not be drunk! You're clearly a terrible person when you're drunk. And quite honestly, I've always been a fan of "A drunk mind speaks a sober heart." You don't usually say things totally out of the ordinary when you're drunk: you're usually just more blunt and more sloppy.

What else can I say about responsibility from this story? Well, I have to tell you about the aftermath. My friend's family grieved, they dealt with his death. They had support from family, friends, and the community. He died on April 15, 2003. By the next year they had established a scholarship fund in his name for high school seniors who embodied his qualities and wanted to attend his school or study in his field or play golf. They continue to raise funds for the scholarships year after year to help young kids achieve their dreams of earning a college education. I was one of those kids they helped. His dad still works as a guidance counselor even though he could be retired. He works with lower socio-economic students and brings groups of boys down to the college to visit and to get them thinking about their future. My friend is studying psychology and she did her senior exit project on how children cope with death. This family works so hard to help people who go through rough patches, whether or not the rough patch is the same as theirs was. This family takes responsibility in our world and makes it a better place. Rather than falling apart, like some families do, they made themselves stronger and work harder to support other families. They'll never understand why their son and brother was taken from them, but rather than hide from the world and from responsibilities, they take on more responsibilities.

There are different levels of responsibility. Not standing idly by can be anywhere from taking a direct stand to make a change to simply being aware. It is simply not possible for all of us to stand up for everything. But I think it is a basic civic responsibility to be aware of the situation. Know what's going on over seas. Know what's going on down the street in a different community. And if you know no one is doing anything about a problem, a light will probably go off in your head telling you that you should be the one to step up. Find your cause and work for it. But don't be stuck on that one cause for life. Move around and go where the world needs you to go.

Above all, the prophets remind us of the moral state of a people: Few are guilty, but all are responsible. - Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel 

An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity. - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Reading Hebrew and a Conservative Minyan

First of all, school has been so crazy! I can't believe it's been two weeks since I last blogged. Second of all, I'm making some pretty great progress on my Jewish New Year's resolutions.

Do you remember what it was like when you first learned how to read? Maybe you've been around a little kid the first time he or she put all the letters together and realized they make a word. It is so terribly exciting for little kids when they first read. They go around reading everything and on some level, they know that the world just opened up to them so much. Maybe I'm just a huge nerd, but that feeling doesn't go away as an adult. Of course I am referring to reading in Hebrew. For the last two Shabbat services at Hillel, I've been able to read the prayers in Hebrew. I was so excited and proud of my self that I was reading everything, even the stuff I know by heart.

Most things in a Reform prayer book are transliterated, but not everything. So last week, we get to a prayer/song that is one of the few we do that doesn't have a transliteration. And I could finally sing it! I knew a few words here and there from listening for so long, but now I have access to this prayer because my awesome friend taught me to read Hebrew. I thought I wouldn't be able to follow along for a long time, but following along with something you're already familiar with actually helps a lot.

Almost nothing in a Conservative prayer book is transliterated. Tonight I went to the Conservative service, and it wasn't closed off to me the way the High Holiday services were. Yes, there were more prayers that I didn't know how to chant, but at least I could follow along. Don't get me wrong, I got lost a lot. But I wasn't nearly as lost as I was during the combined Torah service on Rosh HaShanah. To say the least, I was very happy with how tonight went.


After going to tonight's Conservative minyan, I have been to all three of the main movements' services. It's safe to say, I am more comfortable in the liberal movements (Reform and Conservative). Granted, one of the best d'vars or sermons I've ever heard (that includes any Christian sermon) came from the Orthodox Rabbi in Alabama, but the prayers are all but impossible to follow if you haven't grown up that way. The men mumble... a lot. Even though they tell you what page number you're on, you don't know what they're saying so you can't follow in the book easily. Reform I like because it's super easy to follow along and, at least at Hillel, the services are more upbeat and fun. I like singing along with the guitar (because I suck at singing but in prayer it's fine to suck), but most of the time my favorite prayers are the traditional chants. Enter Conservative service. The leader of tonight's Conservative service didn't call out page numbers very often so I had to watch the girl next to me. I enjoyed chanting the prayers I know and listening and following along with the ones I don't. My head hurt from working so hard to read during the service, but I think the next steps in this journey are to learn more of the prayers in a Conservative service.

Mom "quits religion"

The other day, my mom told my dad that she "quit religion." Today, while I was playing with my niece, I heard her tell my grandma that she doesn't believe in the Catholic Faith anymore. My grandma of course asked why and she said a bunch of stuff but all I heard was the priest sex scandal and cover up.

I don't know what's going on. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Am I causing this? Or should I be glad because if one day I do switch religions she'll be more open about it? Oy, but what if she is against all religions like I was in high school. All religions really have a bad part to their history... I've heard my mom say that before and it's probably why she said she quit religion and not quit Catholicism. I, of course, am just of the opinion that the Church's bad history is much more extravagant than any other religion's.

I just wanted to report that this happened and that it's something I'm thinking about. Even if my mom was understanding, because she usually is, I still have my dad and my brother to worry about.

Fear and My Catholicism

So a common phrase Jews use is "my Judaism." Each person relates to Judaism differently and finds different aspects important. I've never heard Christians use an analogous term, but I've been thinking it's probably a similarly real concept. So I'm going to try to summarize "my Catholicism" and talk about something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

So much of my Catholicism centered around fear rather than delighting in the Lord, as I've heard it said. It was never about having faith for happiness or to brighten my life, even though in first grade we had to sing that song "This little light of mine" as a class in church. I learned things, and if I believed them, I believed them out of fear. I believed because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't. What was there to fear? Hell. The devil. Mostly the devil possessing me. Boy, that sounds crazy, exaggerated, and like an old fashioned movie. Ya think?

You know the movie The Exorcist? Not some new, updated version, not the one about Emily Rose. The original Exorcist. That movie's not allowed in my house... my parents' or my own apartment.

When I was 9 years old, I heard my dad and my brother talking about The Exorcist. When I walked in the dining room, instead of them saying never mind or go upstairs and play, they decide to tell me about the movie. I mean, they really told me about it: detailed descriptions of possession and exorcism scenes, the entire plot, and the theology behind this movie. Catholics believe that the Devil can possess a person and that when this happens, a priest has to exorcise the devil out of him/her. If you don't know about The Exorcist, I'll briefly describe it. A twelve year old girl gets possessed by the devil. Some of the classic scenes are her head spinning all the way around, her projectile vomiting an insane amount (on the priest, I think), and her walking in a contorted backbend down the stairs. Her eyes are crazy looking and her voice is, well, demonic. It kind of sounded like a deep, broken robot. 

Now, I've never actually seen the whole movie. I saw a few scenes in 8th grade, and luckily I had to go home and I was with like 5 people so we were talking a lot. In case you haven't been reading my blog from the beginning, 8th grade was the year I was confirmed, so I still kind of believed in all this Catholic stuff. But I didn't need to see this stuff when I was 9 years old to be afraid. My dad's and brother's descriptions were scary enough. I can honestly tell you, they regretted telling me.

I became convinced that I was going to be possessed by the devil. At first I thought they said a 9 year old girl, so hello I was a 9 year old girl. I was already afraid of the dark and this didn't help matters. I always fell asleep with the TV on, but then my dad would turn it off a couple hours later. After I heard about this exorcism stuff, I would wake up every night after my TV was off. Turning my TV back on wouldn't help because I immediately started thinking about the devil coming to get me. I was terrified. My mom worked third shift so there was an open space in my parents' bed. I would go into my dad's room and sleep. I was certain he would protect me. After about a week my dad was like OK, Mary, this has to stop. But it didn't. I was terrified and I would cry if he didn't let me in his room once I woke up. This went on for months.

One day I came home from school, and there was this jar of water just sitting on the counter. Weird. My mom came in the kitchen and I asked her what it was. She and my dad told me that they went downtown to our church, talked to the priest, and he gave them some holy water and instructions for how to bless my room to keep the devil out. We just had to sprinkle the water all over any entrance he could come in through and make the sign of the cross. So we sprinkled that water all over the door, the closet door, the windows, my bed skirt, the ceiling for good measure. Holy crap, that room was blessed. Then every night when I would wake up scarred, I would remember we had blessed the room and that the devil couldn't come in. I starred at my precious moments cross and hoped it would work. 

As the years went by, the constant fear faded. But every now and then I would think about The Exorcist and get scared again. Eventually, I stopped believing in all that but I was still always scarred in my room when it was dark. I watched a lot of scary movies about stuff that could actually happen. The fear changed from the devil to murderers, rapers, and the like. But I know a lot of my childhood belief in G-d was out of fear that the devil was real and would get me. I believed in Catholicism because I didn't want to go to Hell. Hell is hot and scary, right?

Why my dad ever told me about The Exorcist, I'll never know. He went to Catholic school through 8th grade. He saw it when he was 17 years old and came home and slept with his overhead lights on all night. He told my brother and I that we were never to bring that movie into the house. He would never watch it again. He laughs now when he tells people how scarred I was as a kid, but he was just as scarred and hasn't really let go of his fear. 

Also, I feel like historically, baptism was pushed on infants because parents were scared of their babies dying and going to limbo. What's limbo you ask? It's like baby purgatory where they fly around with only heads and wings. They can never make it to heaven because they weren't baptized. Gosh, that sounds terrible so you better baptize your kids! And baptism also always had this angle of, well you don't want to go to hell do you? Well you better be baptized and believe what we tell you! 

Look, I know my Catholicism isn't other people's Catholicism. I know I'm super biased, based on years of bad experiences. I've never claimed to be an objective commentator or reporter. If you're reading this blog trying to learn about Catholicism, stop. Don't read this to learn what Catholicism is. Go to the book store and buy Catholicism for Dummies or find a practicing Catholic and ask them questions. I am literally the last person who should be teaching anyone about Catholicism. All I can do honestly is tell you my own experiences and how I feel about them now and how I felt growing up. And today, I feel like even if I believed in the trinity and all that, I would never be able to connect to Catholicism because of things like the devil and exorcism.

Oh, by the way, my parents never actually went to church and talked to the priest or got holy water. It was water from the sink and they lied to me about that whole thing. So, whenever I think about that stupid movie, I think about how scarred I was and all these terrible feelings about Catholicism come rushing back. I still feel a weird sense of betrayal toward my parents for 1) lying to me about that whole situation and 2) raising me in a religion that has such scary stuff associated with it. And once I start thinking about any of it, it's like I can't stop. My mind will wander from memory to memory. That's why I'll never watch The Exorcist. I don't want all that stuff brought up and I have virtually no interest in seeing all those scenes I spent years fearing would happen to me. I couldn't fall asleep last night and I started thinking about it. It took me hours to fall asleep and I basically wrote this entire thing in my head last night. Hopefully I won't think about it for a long time.

Shana Tova, take two

It's a new day and a new year, and I'm not nearly as distressed as I was in the other night's post. It's amazing what a good night's sleep and a few kind words from people can do for you. In the new year fashion I am resolving a few things. I just want to concentrate on learning more Judaism and to focus on school and make the dean's list again. I have a lot of extracurriculars so time management has been an issue. Anyways, I will share with you my Jewish goals for the year.

1. Read the Hebrew Bible. All of it. In English, of course. I am about 30% of the way through it, even though technically I am re-reading stuff and will continue to re-read a lot. I have read several of the books in the KJV Old Testament in an English class freshman year. But the great thing is I can compare and contrast translational differences. I have a super good memory so when I'm reading certain verses I'll think to myself "that's not what it is in the KJV." It's interesting to see theological differences reflected in the translations. This goal will take at least into the summer if not the entire year. Yikes! But I have been thinking about this for a while, and I really want to do it.

 2. Improve my Hebrew reading skills. I just learned all the vowels from my friend during our trip to Alabama. I am used to looking right to left and the sounds the letters make. I'll probably try to borrow a prayer book from Hillel at some point so I can practice reading from it.

3. Enjoy being a non-Jew. I'm not Jewish, so I'm going to enjoy it and be more aware of that. I need to remember that this whole journey is about finding something that fits me not to make myself fit something. I need to remember my beliefs and to not necessarily remember what Jews believe. If they coincide great. If not that's OK, too. Of course, I find great comfort in the fact that there's not doctrine in Judaism and I'm allowed to challenge and argue things. :)

Oh, I also have a more general goal, for this blog. I took a lot of time trying to establish my background so my life would make a little bit of sense. So I've tended to write about things way after the fact, either years or months. My new goal is to write as much as possible soon after an experience. This means no more than a week after a new or interesting experience. I will most likely still write about my childhood but not as frequently as at the start of this blog.

What are your goals for the new year? Do you think I should add something to my own list? Shana Tova!