Conversations on Conversion, part 1

Remember that rabbi who told me I need to change my name? who also happens to be a convert? I talked to her the other day. I didn't exactly want to, but she's about to pop out another kid. Once the baby comes, the next time I'll see her will be late August. I figured I'll just talk to her, ask her questions, get it over with because she's a resource whether or not I like it. Don't get me wrong - she's not terrible; just something doesn't click with us.

When I asked her to talk I said I wanted to ask her about her life, she really didn't understand what I was alluding to. Who would ever guess the non-Jewish girl who hangs out at Hillel might want to ask a convert the details of her conversion. I walk into her office and she asks me what's up, what do I want to talk about? I explained to her about talking to my mom, that I had carefully planned to talk to my mom separately from my dad incase he reacted badly, that I don't know what to do about my grandparents, and that it was super awkward. She replied "Yeah, it's weird. It's super weird." Yes, thanks for that. Anyways, I started asking her questions and finally she shared (some of) her conversion story. I mean, I've been waiting for months... Her situation is very, very different than mine.

Her parents are very relaxed. She didn't grow up in a very religious home and it really wasn't a big deal when she converted. She doesn't go to her parents house on Christmas or Easter or anything like that. She converted at a reform synagogue in town (she did her undergrad here). She doesn't care that the orthodox rabbi whose office is right next door probably doesn't consider her Jewish. She says at some point you just have to say f*ck it. She doesn't belong to a temple either, because Judaism "is about what you do in your house. You can daven in your living room and have Shabbos dinner and you're good. Synagogue life in America is dying out."

Honestly, that last part, which has little to do with conversion, was the most shocking to me. I was under the impression that the community was half the point of Judaism. I'm not sure how I feel about that. The reason I love going to Hillel is to see lots of people I wouldn't see in class or wouldn't really invite to my house. Then there's the actual prayer service. There really is something to praying in a group, which is why Judaism encourages communal prayer and only allows some prayers if there's a large enough group. I'm still digesting that information and trying to imagine doing a Jewish life without a synagogue. I think the reason she can get by like that is she has a whole cyberworld. She connects to tons of people through the internet in various ways. I use it to stay connected to people I already know and use email for school/business like stuff. I don't make too many new friends via the internet neither do I have meaningful conversations with many people via the internet. I don't think synagogue-free-Judaism would work great for me.

We actually did talk for a long time and it turned out to be helpful. When I asked her when and where she converted she started talking about my options. She said I should meet all the rabbis in town. She said I could work with her or another chick rabbi in town whose not a congregational rabbi. It was very nice of her to offer to work with me on conversion. I was really surprised by it, actually. I didn't know she liked me enough to be around me on a constant, regular basis. It's so hard to tell with her. But 1) I feel like that would be taking the easy way out by not "shopping around" to find the right rabbi and congregation and 2) I just don't think it would work well. She is totally fine with Christianity, like no issues whatsoever. And that's fantastic for her, it's just not my situation at all. I feel like she doesn't understand just from the brief conversation we had about church and Christianity. I don't just need a teacher, I need someone who can help me understand Christianity from a Jewish perspective and in a way that I don't get pissed off at Christians/Christianity all the time. I've definitely worked on that by myself over the past three years, but there are still certain things that get under my skin in - let's be perfectly honest - an unhealthy way. Also, she disappears sometimes, which I don't find promising for a teacher-student relationship. Not physically - well yes, sometimes physically - but mentally, emotionally. And she's very carefree and relaxed. I don't know, I guess I want my converting rabbi to be full of care and structured. Perhaps I am being too picky or unrealistic. Perhaps all the other Jews by choice out there have given me too much hope for what to expect.

In a more positive light, I would like it if she'd be there for me during the process, if I choose to begin while I'm still in school. I could see her as an additional resource/guide/teacher. And why shouldn't I want more help? I'm allowed to ask for that, right? Honestly, I'm just hopping that she really is having pregnancy mood swings and can be a regular person in my life next school year. I've never known her not pregnant so I can't figure out if what's happened in the last three to four months is baby-related or is her actual personality. I really hope it's the former.

In other news, some of my friends have already said they'd help with shul-shopping this spring so I hope that turns out well. There are three reform and two conservative shuls (also three orthodox but please see the comments section of Was this a bad idea?). One of the conservative shuls has a fantastic website and an Intro to Judaism class. They seem very well equipped for conversion. From what I've gathered in the past year plus, is that most reform synagogues do conversion or will help you find something. So, things are looking pretty good right now.