Yom Kippur 5773

Tonight begins Yom Kippur, the most holy day of the entire year. It's a daunting, important day. A lot of people dread it because the fasting and long synagogue hours. But it is the sabbath of sabbaths. In the end it is a happy day because all your sins and all the sins of Israel are forgiven and essentially erased for the coming year.

Fasting in each religion looks a little different. The Yom Kippur fast of Judaism has five components:

1. No food or drink.
2. No anointing with oils. IE no makeup, perfume, or cologne.
3. No sex.
4. No leather shoes.
5. No bathing for pleasure.

The first is pretty self explanatory. No food or drink for 25 hours, from sunset tonight until sunset tomorrow. In the US the fast will end around 8 o'clock depending on your location. Please consult hebcal for your city's details. Back in the day, anointing with oils was a little different which is why I gave you a modern day explanation. This day is not about looking good to impress your spouse, lover, friends, or yourself. So you don't need to put on makeup or smell fruity. The third one is technically "no marital relations" but its 2012 and people have pre-marital sex. Just don't do it on Yom Kippur. Back in the day, leather shoes were considered particularly comfortable and a sign of wealth. The day is not about being comfortable and all people are considered equal before G-d. And no bathing for pleasure means don't take a shower tonight after services or tomorrow morning. Shower before hand. But you can wash your hands when you go to the bathroom.

So, some people don't brush their teeth on Yom Kippur because they might accidentally drink some water. But I don't do that. If washing your hands to be sanitary is allowed then brushing your teeth to eliminate terrible morning breath should be allowed. I make a conscious effort not to swallow water so I believe I am acting within the spirit of the day. Fasting will cause enough bad breath, let's not add to it by not brushing our teeth. That's just my opinion, do what works for you.

Yom Kippur is not about starving yourself, as some people might think. Yom Kippur is about detaching from the material world and being immersed in the spiritual. This is a time when you can be totally connected with G-d and disregard the normal day-to-day activities and concerns.

Last year was the first time I fasted, ever. When I was little Ash Wednesday and Good Friday were supposedly fast days but my mother was not interested in me doing that. Wasn't healthy she said. Plus, in the Catholic Church fasting is defined to be a regular meal and two small meals. That sounds like a diet to me, not fasting. So fasting for real was a 100% new to me. I think some people thought I wouldn't be able to do it, I would need to ease into it over a few years. But it wasn't a problem. I was dedicated to atoning for my sins and coming closer to G-d. That's all you need. Do what works for you. Don't let other people or your inexperienced past dictate your holy day. My roommate from last year couldn't believe I was really fasting at first. She'd never seen me be spiritually or religiously dedicated to anything. She knew it was especially difficult for me with my medication that gave me horrible, chronic dry mouth. I rinsed my mouth once the whole day, which was impressive given the fact that I normally would drink water every five minutes just from the dry mouth. We both knew that after really observing Yom Kippur there was no turning back, only moving forward. We both knew one day I'd be a Jew after that first Yom Kippur.

Tonight's service - the Kol Nidre service - is the most highly attended service of the entire year. This is true everywhere. If you are going to synagogue, get there early. In Israel, Jews who don't attend synagogue for the rest of the year still go out to hear the Kol Nidre service. It is common for those Jews to gather outside of synagogues and for the doors to be open so they can hear the service. The phrase "Kol Nidre" means "all vows." The prayer cancels all the vows for the coming (or previous, depending on the tradition of the synagogue) year. Basically, it says G-d forgive me for the promises I will make but will be unable to fulfill. It's preemptive.

Tomorrow night at the Neilah service the judgement for who is written in the Book of Life and who is written in the Book of Death will be sealed. Remember last week when we chanted On Rosh HaShanah it is written and on Yom Kippur it is sealed? Yeah, that sealing happens tomorrow evening. The Neilah service is one of quick pace and anxiety. You can feel the gates closing and you want to put in your final plea to G-d. Then you get to break fast with friends and family and be thankful you made it through.

Today is your last chance to apologize to people for your sins against them. And then Yom Kippur is all about apologizing to G-d. If you're dreading the fast, remember it is only one day and it is all for a higher power and a higher good. After tomorrow night you will feel great. You'll have a blank slate for the coming year and can be anything or anyone you want. This is your chance to become the person you've always wanted to be. What a gift.

May you have an easy fast and may you be inscribed in the Book of Life!

Rosh HaShanah 5773

Chag sameach and Shanah Tova everyone! In just a few hours my favorite holiday will officially begin. I am rushing around my apartment trying to get ready both for dinner and for services. But I wanted to take a few minutes to share some more thoughts on Rosh HaShanah. Last year was my first one and I absolutely fell in love. In some ways, observing the High Holidays was when my real commitment to Judaism began. By this time last year, I wasn't just committed to Jewish ideas and values but to Jewish life. I just needed to experience more Jewish life! This year I've really been looking forward to Rosh HaShanah, and one of my 10Q question explains my personal connection to it.

Day 5: 

Have you had any particularly spiritual experiences this past year? How has this experience affected you? "Spiritual" can be broadly defined to include secular spiritual experiences: artistic, cultural, and so forth. 

Your Answer: 

Going to Shabbat at Hillel for the first time was very spiritual. Hearing the shofar blown and hearing a real cantor sing a prayer for the first time at the 9.11 memorial was extremely moving. I found myself smiling listening to him. And I got goosebumps when I heard the shofar. Also, hearing the shofar on Rosh Hashanah was totally awesome. I also got goosebumps then, and I felt truly awakened - just as the shofar is supposed to do. And experiencing my first Torah service on Rosh Hashanah was something to be remembered. I'd never seen a Torah in person before and getting to see the reverence that everyone paid to the Torah was awe-inspiring. After/during Rosh Hashanah was when it sort of became solidified that Judaism is the religion for me. No other experiences, traditions, or symbols of Christianity ever affected me the way the shofar and Torah service did.

Tonight, I will know Aveinu Malkanu; I will be able to read new and old prayers in Hebrew; I will stand with my Jewish friends and be connected to them and all the Jews throughout space and time.

Tonight, you can expect to see a lot of Jews you've never seen at services before. You can expect new melodies for all the prayers. But the service tonight will be nearly identical to other evening services. You can expect the air to feel different, because the new year brings new feelings of excitement and reverence for G-d.

Tomorrow, services will look different. When the shofar is blown, expect three different notes to be played. Teki'ah is one long blast. Shevarine is three broken sounds. And Teru'ah is nine staccato notes. There are four different combinations of these three notes.

Tomorrow evening will be the tashlich service. Tashlich means "casting forth" and in this service you cast away your sins. This casting is symbolized by throwing bread pieces into a living body of water.

If this is your first Rosh HaShanah celebration, mazel tov on making such and important decision and being committed enough to do so :)

To all my readers, l'shanah tova tikatevu. May you be inscribed for a good year!

An Accounting of My Soul: 10Q Edition

The High Holidays are upon us. While some Jews might dread this time of year, what with having to account for your actions in the last year, lots of time in shul, and having to miss a lot of work or school, I AM SO EXCITED. I love the High Holidays. They're just so Jewish (duh?). I love honey and I love fall. Recalling what we've done in the last year and thinking about how to be a better person is a really good exercise for the soul. This is known as cheshbon ha'nefesh which literally means "accounting of the soul." What better way to start this than to review my 10Q responses from last year!

10Q is a project that sends you a question every day during the Days of Awe. You respond and then the answers go into a virtual lockbox for the next year. You don't have to be Jewish to participate by any means, but the calendar does run on the Hebrew calendar. I have two responses I want to share with you.

Day 4: 

Describe an event in the world that has impacted you this year. How? Why? 

Your Answer: 

The killing of Osama Bin Laden - I remember find out in a way through twitter. I didn't find out the details but I remember knowing something big happened and i turned on the news. And there they said it "Osama Bin Laden is dead." I called out [my roommate] into the living room and called my dad and told him to turn on the TV. It was such a momentous occasion. We called and texted all of our friends and family. Then we saw on facebook that people were jumping in mirror lake. We drove over to campus and got out and frolicked around with everyone. It was so exciting. 

Sometime in the next week, I was watching the news again. The anchor had on a priest, a rabbi, and an imam to discuss the death/killing of Bin Laden. I found my self strongly disagreeing with the priest but completely understanding the rabbi's point of view. The priest sad that Bin Laden wasn't evil...? He said just because he committed evil acts that he himself wasn't actually evil. The rabbi said, no! when you commit evil acts over and over, you are evil. You are your actions. Now that made sense. Also, the very next day after the event, two of my Catholic friends posted a quote from the vatican that no Christian rejoices at the death of a man, blah blah blah. These two had been at mirror lake celebrating the night before! so, 1. hypocrites and 2. Bin Laden was our enemy and killed our people. why can't we rejoice at his defeat? Well, I read several articles from rabbis that week that said just that. The rabbis said it was possible for us to simultaneously mourn the loss of a human life, G-d's creation, and celebrate the defeat of our enemy who sought to destroy us, just as G-d permitted the Israelites to celebrate the defeat of the Amonites/Egyptians(?) (but did not allow the angels to celebrate). 

This was an important time in realizing and understanding that my heart and my mind naturally disagreed with Christianity and naturally agreed with Judaism.

Wow. Intense... I think I've always had a Jewish perspective when it comes to thinking about actions, I just didn't know it until a couple years ago.  Human emotions are very complex and I think Judaism honors that much more than Christianity. Honestly, I hate doing the whole compare and contrast thing with the religions, but sometimes that is just what happens. I was happy and I celebrated with the rest of my country when Osama Bin Laden died. That was our natural reaction. We didn't stop to think about it. That's just how we felt. Judaism honors natural human inclination. But the next day we think about it a little more, and it is sad that a human life was lost. Our enemy is gone but so is part of G-d's creation. We can be sad and happy at the same time. Part of the reason we all celebrated was because a dark period in our nation's history ended with Bin Laden's death. We have every reason to celebrate. Certainly, terrorism has not come to an end, but a major leader in the movement can no longer lead or cause harm to us. So I think the celebration comes from the era dying not so much that individual person.

Today, I don't think I am conscious of "this is the Jewish perspective on X event." I think my perspective just naturally agrees with the Jewish one. Well, that's pretty easy when the Jewish perspective can be one of a hundred things. But you know what I mean.

Day 6: 

Describe one thing you'd like to achieve by this time next year. Why is this important to you? 

Your Answer: 

I want to know the prayer service. If I don't have a transliteration in front of me I want to still be able to participate. I also want to know the whole Hebrew alphabet, know number values, and several Hebrew words, both in prayer and in conversation. I hope to find a synagogue to go to when I don't go to Hillel, possibly a rabbi to convert me. Unsure of the specifics on that right now. 

I'd also like to take the GRE again and score much higher on the verbal. This means improving my vocabulary a great deal. 

I want to be working toward getting something published if not already by this time next year.

So, the only goals I achieved this year were my Jewish ones. Oy. I don't know if this is bad or good. Technically, I am working toward getting something published, but I've been working on it since March. Things keep getting in the way. I don't know if it will ever happen. I haven't even finished the article yet, so there is no publishing possibility in sight. I have no intentions of taking the GRE again. I've become completely disenfranchised from the concept of standardized testing.

I know the prayer service. In fact, at Hillel's summer shabbat in July, I was the one reminding everyone of the order of things, saying things like "Now we remain standing for the hatzi Kaddish." I didn't mean to memorize the Reform Hillel service; it just happened. I don't need a transliteration anymore because I can read Hebrew. I think I went above and beyond in achieving that goal. Well, maybe I originally meant that I wanted to memorize the service. I know the basic order but I truly think it's better not to memorize everything because then I am more engaged in the prayers. I have to think to participate.

If you've been reading my blog over the last month, you know that I found a synagogue and a rabbi to convert me. Check.

I am excited for the next 10 questions to be sent out, even though it can be difficult to answer some of them. Some of the questions and my responses are a bit to personal too share here. But Judaism gets personal.

Do you 10Q?

Happy Belated Birthday to My Blog

I missed my blog's one year anniversary because I was so overwhelmed with school work. I still am but I am taking a little bit of time for me this labor day weekend. I'm proud of myself for keeping this going for a whole year, even if there were a few months when it seemed like I'd abandoned the task all together. Converting to Judaism is really strange, and so few of us actually do it. It's nice to have the blogging world to connect us to other JBCs, Jews, and people who are just interested in our stories.

A year ago, I really wanted to convert to Judaism, but I wasn't sure if I could, should, or would. I loved Friday night services at Hillel but worried that I could never really be a Jew. Now, I sometimes forget that I'm not. It gets quite annoying actually. People are always trying to count me in the minyan and I have to stop them. But one day, I won't have to and what a glorious day it will be. The rabbi asks if I want to light candles on Friday night. I can, but I can't do it alone, and I don't feel like pointing that out in front of a crowd of people. Friend asks me to say kaddish for someone he knows who died in the last week, have to ask someone else to do it. Other people forget I'm not Jewish or don't learn until after they've met me and someone insolently points out that I'm not actually Jewish I just like doing Jewish things. Oy, that's getting really old.

This blog has really helped me come to terms with a lot of issues I bring as a convert. Everyone's set of issues is a little different and I am grateful to everyone who reads and comments.

Just Mumble Under Your Breath

There's always that one person who asks too many questions at all the wrong time, even in your conversion class. But, besides that, the first class was good. I love that there is a couple in my class who is not Jewish and has no intentions of becoming Jewish. They just want to learn about the religion of their neighbors. I love that Judaism is open to everyone, not just Jews. There is light and learning for all.

As you might have picked up from earlier posts, my rabbi didn't turn me away three times as the tradition dictates. I was surprised how open he was, even for a Conservative rabbi. But, as he said, he doesn't make conversion easy by any means. We have 100 essay questions to answer by the end of the course in May. Some of them are simple. Some of them are not. I know most of the answers and have already started writing them out. If I finish very early and get bored I may ask for more. That's very nerdy of me but the point of learning with a rabbi finally was so I wouldn't be bored with my learning, so I don't want to go back to that point. The shul does this really nice partnering thing where everyone in the class who's converting is paired with a regular at Saturday morning services to help them along. Once the rabbi brought this up he looked at me and realized he never assigned me one. He seemed a little distressed but I clearly am not. I've been on my own in Jewish services for well over a year; we don't have to rush too much getting me a partner, though it might be nice to have someone's brain to pick whenever I have a random question. 

My rabbi is hilarious, which shouldn't surprise anyone, because he's a Jew. Basically, he made us a book for the class and he wrote several documents as well as including articles and prayers. The "Bluffer's Guide To Going to Shul" made my and several of my friends' day. The third point in bluffing your way through shul includes:

When putting on the tallit wrap it around your head for a few seconds while mumbling under you breath.

Fact. No one will ever know what you're saying because everyone mumbles it, so just mumble something. Mumbling can actually get you by in many situations... But, I digress.

Finally, our rabbi reviewed how his conversions are viewed. The reason his conversions stand in Israel is because he doesn't put the letter on the synagogue's letter head. If they don't know immediately it's a conservative synagogue, they just don't care. Clearly, they're not worried about "kosher" conversions, but politics. He also refuses to have a woman sit on the beit din because of the situation in Israel. He doesn't want to cause problems for his converts. When things in Israel and interdenominational relations change, he will gladly have a woman sit on the beit din. Amein.