The G-dmother

I've mentioned that I have a brother, and I've mentioned that he has kids. I failed to mention that when his first child was born, a daughter in 2005, he appointed me as the G-dmother. Way to throw a wrench into an already broken machine. I held that beautiful bundle at her baptism and promised to teach and to show her the ways of a faithful follower of Jesus. Another promise I wasn't sure I could keep.

This wasn't really a problem during high school because she spent most of the time either with her mom and the in-laws or in London with my brother. My brother's in-laws are very religious so my niece went to church with them. I didn't have to worry about doing any of that. I mostly took it upon myself to be invested in her regular education and fostering her creative side (art, dance, etc.). But once my brother finished up his years of service and finally lived in the states continuously, I started to wonder if I shouldn't be more invested in her religious upbringing. After all, I am her G-dmother.

Before I could teach her anything major, I had to learn it myself. So I took it upon myself to really learn what a Christian is and believes. At the end of my senior year I made a promise to myself (and told someone about it to ensure I followed through) that I would learn about religions, so that I would be able to guide my niece as she got older. In college, I learned so much about Christianity, from the difference between a Catholic and a Protestant to taking an English class reading the most influential English translation of the Christian Bible (The KJV). I asked my roommates tons of questions, too. After a while, though, I stopped this, as I grew tired of getting laughed at. I knew that they were thinking all the stuff I was asking about was so basic. I should have learned all that at CCD, or I just shouldn't have been asking.

I even went to church with them for a few months fairly regularly at the campus church. But I knew from the beginning it wouldn't last. Although I automatically crossed my self and genuflected upon entering the pews, I felt so out of place. People at this church were different in so many ways - happy and sincere - but the same in so many. What made them the same as the church back home, really had to do with me. I didn't fit in. Every time we said "peace" to our neighbors, I looked around and felt outside the moment. I didn't feel peace. I just saw everyone saying it to each other.

Even though these situations made me feel sad and out of place, I believe I did the right thing in making an adult effort. I even printed off my own copy of the Nicene Creed and attempted to memorize it. Like in my childhood, I couldn't memorize the prayers because the words weren't written in my heart. I knew them not to be true.

Knowing now that I honestly can't guide my niece in her Catholic faith is upsetting. I can help her with her faith in G-d, but that is about all. I guess I can still offer the stories about Jesus I know from CCD, but I can't explain how it's possible that Jesus was a person and a god. This probably seems a strange thing to do: telling the stories about Jesus but not really believing in their truth. What should I do, though? Tell a six year old what she believes is bogus? As someone wise once said to me, it is better to live a contradiction than a lie.