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I won't go into detail about the trinity again, just going to reiterate that it was a serious problem for me. I just kept hoping and hoping as we got closer to the actual ceremony that it would finally click. I had anxiety over it. Then I just gave up and resolved that I would understand it when I was older - like it was a calculus problem or something and I was only ready for algebra. Well, I got a 5 on the AP Calc test and I still don't get it. And I finally figured out, it simply isn't possible. The solution does not exist, DNE.
So you might be wondering now, why did you go through with it? Why not just say no thanks and not be confirmed? Easier said than done, mon amis. How am I supposed to tell my Italian father and grandfather that I don't wanna be Catholic? If I had, they probably would have just laughed and said I was 14 and that I didn't know what I wanted. This wasn't like not wanting to go to school. If you're not ready to make a life long commitment, then you shouldn't do it. No one would have let me get married. So why did I have to confirm my faith? But that's not the way things work in the Catholic Church or my family. To my family, and to a lot of other people, the Catholic Church is about tradition, and you don't monkey with tradition.
However, I did make one attempt to get out of it, but it wasn't the most well planned strategy. It was sort of an accident. About three or four weeks before the ceremony, my mom took me out dress shopping. I was very cranky and didn't like anything she/we picked out. Then we saw the director of religious education - a woman who to this day does not like me; the feeling's mutual - and I was not thrilled. So then in the dressing room I'm getting really agitated by it all and my mom looks at me and asks, "Do you even want to be confirmed?" Almost immediately, I responded with wide eyes, "No." She sighed. The next month I was confirmed.
I don't think I will ever in my life forget my confirmation. I was sitting on the left side of the church, about four rows back and my confirmation sponsor was sitting on my left. She was wearing blue and I was wearing pink. When the bishop got to the part about becoming adults and what a huge step we were all making, I peeked to the right and looked at everyone. Did I really think that anyone was going to jump up and say, "Forget this!" and walk out? No. But I wanted to see if anyone else looked as doubtful as I felt. To my surprise, everyone looked so calm, sure of themselves, and excited for the next part of their lives. "Crap," I thought. "This is it."
There was a party back at our house afterwards. And everyone congratulated me. At least there was food.
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