Reflections on the Shoah

I mentioned forever ago that I had this internship at Hillel -- the Holocaust Awareness Internship. Basically, I was responsible for planning the week of Holocaust remembrance activities around Yom HaShoah. And basically, it was the most stressful job of my life. Our programs were huge and we planned months in advance. They turned out beautifully. But let's face it, it's the Shoah. It's too much. I couldn't breathe for months. Don't get me wrong, I've studied the Holocaust many times in my life. I have been since I was ten years old. Quite honestly, we weren't studying it much during this internship. It was just there, around us all the time. I missed class one day, which I lied to the professor about where exactly I was, because I had lunch with a survivor instead. I scored the lowest in my math class on our midterm because it was during our 24-hour names' reading vigil and I just didn't care.

I don't know how people can devote their entire lives to studying the Holocaust. I wasn't even around for our first event of the week (a remembrance seder) and by Friday night shabbos I was in tears. I hid in the office while the rabbi welcomed in the angels and the other girls lit candles. I was a wreck. But then I remember that someone has to do it, which is why I did it in the first place. Thousands (maybe millions?) of people devote their lives to the study and remembrance of the Shoah because it is necessary. It is so sad but so true that it is necessary. I've spent a lot of time working with people at the Holocaust Museum in DC and doing different programs there. I've met countless survivors by now. I love the work they do. I often wonder if it was the work I was meant for...

Next year, I am not doing the Hillel internship. I like to tell people that Hillel internships only last one year. But that's not the truth. They were more than willing to make an exception for me because I did such great work. I didn't like working there. It was stressful for non-blog-worthy reasons. But a huge factor is the sadness that comes with the job. The Torah tells us that we must take care of ourselves before taking care of others. And the truth is, I want to devote next year to real Jewish study. Just like born Jews, I don't want my Judaism to be defined by the Holocaust. I want to have time to see the beauty in the 4,000 year old tradition and study the history that in one part includes the Shoah. Because when you study the Shoah, that's all there is. There's nothing else and you can't think straight. Even though I know it's not really possible, the next time I want to think about the Shoah, is Yom HaShoah 2013.

Below is part of a reflection I wrote about being at the Holocaust Museum in DC. and I wanted to include it just because....

After walking the halls of the Holocaust Museum, the wicked child asks, “Where was G-d?” and declares, “G-d is dead. Otherwise, he would not have abandoned His people and allowed the Holocaust to happen.” But the wise child asks, “Where was man?” After all, the wise child notes, it was man who built the gas chambers. It was man who aimed the guns of the Einsatzgruppen. It was man who watched it all happen. The simple child asks, “What has happened?” The Holocaust is such a huge event with so many facets that it is difficult to know where to begin. The silent child does not know what to ask. He is overwhelmed by all that he sees. All of these are legitimate reactions to encountering the Holocaust. Each of these children visits the museum everyday and they may be four years old or they may be ninety-four years old. We are all children when it comes to understanding the Holocaust.