Catholic Enough For Hell

What does it mean "Catholic enough for hell"?

I actually heard this in a documentary about orthodox converts to Judaism, so it's not at all original. A man was giving a talk about his conversion to Judaism and he said (roughly) "When people find out I converted and grew up Catholic, their next question is always 'well, just how Catholic were you?' And I tell them, I was Catholic enough that I knew I was going to hell. So I changed religions." It was a joke, but not really. I could feel that there was truth in his words and understood the pain he'd once felt. When I heard this, it described my feelings about the church pretty well, and now that I am certain I want to convert, the description is dead on.

I figured out pretty early in my childhood that what the church was teaching and I believe (slash, was taught at home) were two very different things. When I think back on the things my parents/family taught me, this is what I remember: G-d said, "be a good person;" respect your parents; do what you can to help others; it is a sin to waste your talents, your G-d given talents. No one ever told me only Catholics go to heaven or only Catholics can be saved. My parents never condemned people to hell or even taught me about purgatory (that is, until I watched the movie Purgatory with my dad). My parents never preached that I needed to "wait" until marriage, that life begins at conception, or that birth control is bringing about the demise of the traditional family structure. And no one really made it seem like Jesus was central to any of those tenants.

When I was young, I didn't notice the disconnect. I saw nothing peculiar about learning one thing at home and one thing at CCD. I learned different things at home than at school, so why should religious school be any different? If I did, by some chance, notice a discrepancy I'd side with my parents (Honor your father and your mother that you may long endure, Exodus 20:12), for it was always my parents who truly had my best interest in mind. As I got older, I started to realize that the things I believe were not the same thing the church told me I need to believe. I tried to understand what they were telling me, but it didn't make any sense. After a long time I realized I would not change, I could not change. I just accepted that we didn't agree. According to them, I was most likely going to go to hell (might as well live it up).

Once I decided to live by the tenants that I identified with and not the ones the church tried to force on me, living became easier. But the problems always came when I sat around thinking. I thought maybe I should be doing something more Catholic, trying to live by what they told me at CCD. I always came back to the same conclusion: I was going to go to hell. In fact, most of my family was probably going to to hell, too. They didn't seem too distressed about it, so why should I be?

I let my beliefs change, grow, and expand in a non-Catholic way. I knew I was damned according to their logic either way, so I should try to be a good person the way I see it. I eventually realized that G-d is a loving, merciful G-d and what they said couldn't be true. After years of thought, estrangement, strained prayer, and social justice work, I discovered a place where my beliefs about G-d and the world would be accepted. I couldn't believe at first that Jews believe what I believe or they live in a way I think one should live. I couldn't believe, most of all, that not all Jews believe the same things. There are different opinions on every topic. There is no dogma.

Now, here I am more than a year and a half after I first discovered there could be a place in the world for me. I don't have to be a lone wolf if I don't want to be. It has been long enough, and it's time to change religions. I am not going to hell and no one could convince me otherwise.

I want to continue to grow and learn on the path I set myself on seven years ago. One day, I want to share all that I have learned with my children, and my children's children. Today in shul I realized just how much that means to me when we read these words:

But take utmost care and watch yourselves scrupulously, so that you do not forget the things that you saw with your own eyes and so that they do not fade from your mind as long as you live. And make them known to your children and to your children's children. [Deuteronomy 4:9]

 Passing on who I am is of the utmost importance to me and that is what Moses implored the Israelites to do in this week's Torah portion. These words are truly eternal.

In exactly three weeks, my conversion/introduction to Judaism class begins. Does that mean I am officially converting to Judaism now?

Judaism

When I first realized Judaism might have a little bit of room for me, I sat around and considered this religion from my limited and fairly ignorant perspective. Yeah, Jews have some fun and interesting holidays and they tend to involve great meals. But fun and food does not a religion make. Today, I know that there are countless things that make Judaism great. Last year, I didn't know half of them. So this post is about the few ideas that I came up with that made me say, OK I'm really going to investigate what Judaism has to offer.

Why are there so many Jewish doctors? No, this isn't turning into an antisemitic rant, I promise. But there are lots of Jewish doctors, professors, non-profit workers, and on and on. I just couldn't help but think that there must be something in Judaism that makes people reach for greatness. That might sound a little cliche. But is it a fluke? Judaism's focus on study, learning, repairing the world, and individual responsibility must have something to do with the professions that Jews pursue.

The name Israel means to wrestle with G-d. Each person has to figure out G-d for him/herself. And the point is to ask questions! I can't tell you how often I've thought and how often I've read from other people that it is such a relief to come into Judaism and be able to argue with the Rabbi. You can't argue with a priest. You can hardly ask questions of a priest... rephrasing a question does not count as a new question, just a repetition of the original. Basically, I just love asking questions and learning, whether it's in the classroom or just learning about a person's life. I don't understand how people could go through life without asking questions of everything. I've been told by a few people that I think way more than other people and my brain never mellows out.... not a bad thing in Judaism.

There are no roadblocks in getting to G-d. You pray straight to G-d all the time, every time. This is not a slight to Christianity, but I don't understand praying to saints. Well, the argument that you pray just so saints will help you out because they're closer to G-d, is somewhat logical. But I don't believe that there are saints hanging out in heaven with G-d, so that doesn't really work for me (see the afterlife). I just want to communicate with G-d directly, that's all. Also, there are no intermediaries between people and G-d in Judaism. Rabbis are teachers and the only one who can forgive sins is G-d, Himself.

Judaism doesn't hinge on miracles. Yes, there are miracles in the Torah and in holiday narratives. But if you take those away, the religion still stands. Maybe Moses didn't physically part the Red Sea like in the movies, but he still led the freed Hebrews out of Egypt and across a body of water. And even these miracles are more practical, if that can be said of a miracle. They're small and are much like the kind of miracle I believe my aunt's life to be (see Mary). Oil lasting for eight days instead of one is a little easier for me to believe in than say, Immaculate Conception. And if you happen to find a miracle you just can't believe in, there's still plenty to work with in Judaism to help you grow as a person and in your relationship with G-d.

Hinduism is to Krishna as Buddhism is to the Buddha as Christianity is to Jesus as Islam is to Mohammed as Judaism is to ....? Moses? But Moses isn't the only major prophet in Judaism. And wasn't the Torah given to the Children of Israel, i.e the Jewish People? The analogy doesn't work, and for a reason. Judaism truly is about a people, rather than a person. Following in the footsteps of Krishna, Buddha, Jesus, or Mohammed is totally cool. As long as it makes you a good person, I have no problem with that. But for me, I have a hard time only being able to look to one person who lived way back in day for an example.

Jews don't say "Cheers!" they say "L'Chaim!" which means to life! And I absolutely adore this seemingly small phrase. Jews and Judaism are concerned with this life and with living it to its fullest. In Judaism, you don't really do good works so you can get into heaven. You do good works because you should. I do the right thing because it's the right thing to do. Like I've said before, I believe this life is all there is, and I love life and so do Jews.

Finally, Judaism and science are completely, 100%, compatible. Thus, there's no choosing between religion and science, G-d and fact.

Taking it one religion at a time

When I originally started reading about Judaism online, I also was reading about Islam. There were a few ideas in Islam that spoke to me. So after getting so excited about Shabbat at Hillel, I decided to take the most logical approach to religion: learn about it all. I couldn't risk getting all invested in one religion only to one day discover a new one and change course again. Over the next seven months, I took every opportunity I could to learn about world religions.

I attended a lecture during Discover Islam Week on our campus and subsequently read all 15 or so pamphlets they had at the check in table. I also signed up for a free English translation of the Qur'an and read parts of it. I read about Buddhism online and bought the Dhammapada, The Sayings of the Buddha. I also investigated Hinduism, Taoism, and even Christianity. But wait, didn't I give up on Christianity? Well, I was raised Catholic so I just double checked with the other denominations (Quakers and Presbyterians mostly) - they all pretty much have one unwavering thing in common.

It didn't take long for me to eliminate Hinduism from the list of possibilities: it too closely resembles Christianity. I understand that, like Judaism, Hinduism has an all encompassing cultural aspect. But its theological aspects are nearly identical to those that I've already ruled impossible. A human incarnation of a deity, to me, is not possible.

Of all the other religions, Islam was the most fascinating to learn about. For some reason, this religion seemed so foreign and unaccessible to me. Learning about Islam has challenged me in the ways I think about life, G-d, and the world. I love that Islam is a monotheistic religion in the way that I understand monotheism. But after much reading and discussion with Muslims, I realized that this definitely wasn't my religion. Like Christianity, there are things you have to believe in, otherwise you can't become a Muslim. For example, you have to believe in the afterlife and you have to believe that the Qur'an is the unadulterated word of G-d brought to us by the prophet Muhammad. I believe that the Qur'an has a good message, but I don't believe it's possible for humankind to have the true words of G-d. G-d is not human and does not speak the way that we speak. And most of all, the narration of the Qur'an just doesn't captivate me the way that other texts (religious or otherwise) do. Some will immediately respond to this by saying I have to read it in Arabic! The translation is not the truth! Well, I read the Hebrew Bible in translation and its narrative is still captivating. I know that poetry gets lost in translation, but not all of it.

I stayed interested in Buddhism for several months, until I actually got up the nerve to attend an Intro to Buddhism class. The sayings of the Buddha were so insightful. Ultimately, though, the fact that meditating is the most important aspect of this religion is most unappealing. Also, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with G-d. Buddhism is not a god-centered religion. I've read that some Buddhist teachers don't care if you believe in G-d, but they obviously aren't going to address that or teach you anything new about G-d. At that first Intro class, I was most distracted. I couldn't focus on what the teacher was saying, for I did not find it interesting. And a few times, he mentioned ideas and I would think "Well in Judaism they say this...." I resolved not to return to the class and to close the door on Buddhism. I do still like to read the Dhammapada sometimes, but I know that meditation would be impossible for me. My brain is constantly moving and changing direction and I don't want to change that. If I controlled my brain to calm it down, I wouldn't think of half the things I come up with. I would have no more good ideas and would lose my creativity. Without my creativity what am I?

Making sure to cover all the bases, I read a book about atheism. I don't need to say much besides I wasn't convinced. Although, I must admit I don't think I picked a very good book. The author seemed to only care about disproving Christianity, which I don't need done for me.

At some point in the middle of all this, I took this awesome quiz on Beliefnet that ranks your religious beliefs. The questions are pretty intense, not generic at all. Most questions have 6 choices so it's not obvious which religion the answer relates to (most of the time). Anyways, the quiz then ranks how your beliefs match up with 27 different religions. My results were quite interesting. They were: 1. Reform Judaism 100% 2. Liberal Quakers 88% 3. Unitarian Universalism 87% 4. Baha'i Faith 80% 5. Orthodox Judaism 79% ... 27. Roman Catholic 28%.

The results of this quiz made me both happy and sad. On the one hand, I had statistical proof that I fit into Judaism as far as belief. On the other hand, I was raised Catholic and it scored dead last with only 28%? That's really low. I thought I'd score at least 40 or 50%... Nonetheless, I've had to come to terms with the fact that Catholicism is my family's religion due to tradition more than faith.

I actually read about all 27 faiths that this quiz ranked and none stuck out so much as Judaism.

Post Confirmation: High School Experiences

After confirmation, one concept of the ceremony became increasingly true in my life: I was treated as an adult in regard to religion (for the most part). My mom slowly stopped waking me up on Sunday mornings. She didn't tell me that I was a sinner for not going and not wanting to go to church. I was finally allowed to make my own decisions. My brother and many other kids had stopped going to church in high school, but more so because they didn't want to wake up early and were sick of being told what to do. These kids still went to church on important holidays and occasions. One such occasion is the graduation mass held for all graduating seniors in the parish. My brother happily went to this mass. When my invitation came, I put it in the recycling pile. My mom pulled it out and asked me if I had seen it. Of course I had; how else did it get into the recyclables? She asked if I wanted to go and I responded by asking "Why would I go? I haven't been to church in years." She sighed. I'm guessing she was holding out hope that I would get over my rebellion and go back to church. I wasn't a rebel without a cause, though.

Although I quit going to church, I didn't stop wrestling with my faith or with G-d. During the many nights when it took me hours to fall asleep I would ask myself questions about the nature of G-d: Is He like a person? Does he stretch out like elasto-man to be everywhere at once? Is He Jesus? 3 pieces? 1? Is He our consciousness? Does He even exist? It was extremely difficult for me to understand G-d outside the Catholic teachings, so for a long time I went back and forth. Sometimes I believed there is no G-d; essentially I was an atheist. Other times I prayed to Him fervently. I would feel guilty about praying but not going to church. Why was I praying when I didn't believe in or follow the teachings of the Church?

It is very important for me to mention here that in March 2005 my brother was deployed to South Korea and I did not see him for 13 months. We constantly read and heard about the nuclear threat from North Korea. I have no idea if the time he spent there was more dangerous than other times in the past ten or twenty years, but it sure seemed like it. The anxiety and fear I felt necessitated I reach out to a higher power. I didn't want my brother to be sent home in a box. And so I prayed.

It was the times that I knew everything was fine, because my brother told me so, that I would begin to feel guilty about the way I prayed. He was fine and nothing was going to happen to him so why the heck was I praying to a being I didn't even know existed? After Korea, my brother went to London for 3 years. There were tons of terrorist attacks there on trains, buses, and elsewhere. What else could I do but pray? My brother's time in the Army is when my faith developed into what it is today. G-d is a unity who is ultimately incomprehensible to humans. A three pronged god conflicts with the nature of a truly higher being who has created and continues to create the universe. G-d is not a Christian and you don't have to go to church to communicate with Him and to be close to Him. He took care of my brother so that he could take care of his family and take care of me. When I look at my brother's children, I see G-d in the purest, most wonderful ways. It is incredible.

But as I grew closer to G-d, I grew further from the Church. I couldn't help but to despise the hypocrisy I saw and felt. I felt it from the people in the parish I grew up in and I saw it in the history of the Church. Why was the church always butting heads with science? To me, science and math can show us the nature of G-d. Why does the Church think and act in the opposite way? The oppression that has occurred at the hands of the Catholic Church is, to me, the greatest disappointment. I know from the stories I grew up hearing about Jesus, that he wouldn't approve of the behavior I saw and read about.

While all these things I've written here today are the truth, I don't think I've quite conveyed the frustration I felt during high school. I fought with my parents a lot, especially about religion. I didn't want us to call ourselves Catholics. No one even went to church. Why does Jesus hang on our walls when we don't act like him or ever ask ourselves WWJD? And then when I'd get really upset, I'd yell "What good did Jesus even do this world? What were we saved from? Terrible things still happen. Wars still happen and people still suffer." When I was around 16 is when I'd really had it. In one of these fights with my parents, I ran into my room to get away from them, but they followed me. In a complete rage, I went to my wall, picked up the Precious Moments cross and threw it across the room. It broke in half, and no one ever fixed it.

The cross has never gone back up.