I've been starting to think that this blog was a bad idea. All the other blogs out there already have an end in mind. Either people start writing once they've officially begun converting to a new religion, or they start after they've joined the new religion, or there are the atheists who explore religion for the sake of mutual understanding and furthering interfaith cooperation. It would seem from the looks of things, that this blog had me going toward converting to Judaism. I love learning about Judaism and doing Jewish stuff, I really do, but how do you really know that you want to be a Jew, forever? Being non-religious and leaving one's parents' religion is so different from changing religions. I'd be going from the high school me who said all religion is bad, outdated, and not for me to a me who, basically, says no, it's just your religion, Mom & Dad, that is not for me. I've read about people converting, not just to Judaism but to Islam and Christianity, and not telling their parents (or waiting until after their parents have passed away... even worse). I can not for the life of me imagine doing this. Unless you have a terrible relationship with your parents and don't talk to them, how can you not be honest about yourself and your life? What if my parents wanted to come visit me one weekend in the fall and they wanted it to be a surprise and it ends up being the High Holidays? What a mess that would be. What if my family one year got crazy and went to church again on Easter and asked me to go? Well, I'd be busy with Passover so that'd be another sticky situation. What if I have a son and my grandparents expect a baptism but end up at a bris? Then there's this whole mess of converting to Judaism: someone somewhere is always going to say you're not a Jew, no matter what you do. The Orthodox will say you're not Jewish if you go Reform or Conservative. But you can't convert Orthodox unless you believe Orthodox things and plan to be Orthodox forever. And if you go Orthodox, you'll have the ultra-orthodox saying you're not a Jew. Granted, most of them are in Israel, but still. And this is a real problem for women since the same problems will be passed onto your children. Oy. When I have children I don't want them to be frustrated like I am. That's why I started looking for new religions in the first place. But now it seems the frustration is inevitable, so why even bother converting?
So the question I'm posing to all of you reading, whoever you are, was there a moment when it all came together for you? Whether or not the religion you chose is Judaism, how were you sure converting was the right thing to do? I just don't imagine it magically falling into place with a sunset telling me it'll all be OK. Did you make a pro-con list? What did it look like? And what did your parents say when you told them?
I felt like I was a Jew and I couldn't live any other way. I tried to convince myself I could...but I was not happy. For me being Jewish wasn't just a religious decision. It was actually more of a desire to join the Jewish people and religion was secondary. It's not an easy choice to make for yourself knowing it also affects your family and all future children. I think you should really really want to be a Jew before deciding to convert.
ReplyDeleteIf you feel doubtful just study and let it evolve naturally. Maybe it's for you but maybe it isn't. An appreciation for the Jewish religion does not mean you need to convert. You know what I mean?
But you and your kids are going to be frustrated no matter what you do. Life is frustrating and complicated. Doesn't matter what road you take.
Neither of my parents is happy that I am a Jew. My mother used to be very religious but in the past five year quit attending church. She's still very into the idea that I need Jesus or I will burn in hell forever. My father wasn't religious until the last couple years. We just don't discuss it much. I imagine it will be a bigger issue when we have children.
ReplyDeleteDena,
ReplyDeleteDid you know for sure before you started to study with a rabbi?
Hi, Mary,
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for the past couple of months. I haven't commented yet, but since I want you to keep blogging, I suppose I have to say something now, right? :-)
I find your blog awesome because your story reminds me of my own story right now -- a lot. I almost commented on this subject a while back, but my computer was being dumb and it got deleted somehow. But to summarize -- I currently attend a Catholic high school, I can't in good conscience continue to call myself Catholic (my Confirmation last year, among many other things, was my wake-up call), and I feel pulled (strongly) in the direction of Judaism.
No, I haven't begun any formal conversion process, and my parents are still under the assumption that I'm Christian (though they definitely know about my interest in Judaism, they don't seem to seriously question my "commitment" to Catholicism). I empathize completely with the Orthodox conversion issue. I've wrestled with that question since I first researched conversion to Judaism, and after a lot of thought, in the past month I think I've finally figured out my answer:
I can't convert Orthodox. It's tempting...oh, SO tempting to keep dwelling on it. I'm a girl, too, so I worry about any future children. "Just give them a strong Jewish identity and they'll be fine," someone may say. Yes, but the more I share my love of Judaism with my children, the more it will hurt when, inevitably, I have to tell them about my non-Orthodox conversion and that an entire segment of the Jewish population doesn't consider them Jewish. It sucks. I don't want them alienated from Judaism forever because of the rejection they'll feel from others. But I'm still converting non-Orthodox for several BIG reasons. (I'm a bit blunt here, and if you have any Orthodox readers, they will disagree with they way I see a lot of things in their faith. So, disclaimer -- I respect Orthodoxy, see a great deal of beauty in it, but this is how I feel/think.)
I simply do not believe the theology of the Orthodox. I believe the Torah has some human component, that halakhah can evolve, and I don’t believe in certain social attitudes (especially in regards to women) that the Orthodox hold to. I'm not going to lie to a beit din in order to get a universally-recognized conversion and break one of the Ten Commandments while "taking on the yoke" -- as the Orthodox call it -- of the 613. Yes, Judaism IS more about actions than beliefs (which I love), but I don't think it's healthy to base my entire way of life on something I don't fully buy into.
Also, the increasing/insane restrictions on Orthodox conversions...wow...according to some stories I've heard, it would mean that my children would have to attend an Orthodox day school for twelve years (while they would be taught certain things with which I do not agree.) It would mean never staying/eating in my parents’ house again (there are no Orthodox shuls in my hometown, so without question I'd have to convert -- and subsequently live -- somewhere else forever). It could mean not being able to go to my sister’s wedding since it might be in a church and have some religious component to the ceremony. Yep, all those things would probably drive a pretty big wall between my family and myself, and that's going to happen with conversion anyway...so why exacerbate it?
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ReplyDeleteAlso, after a lot of thought, I finally realized that there ARE benefits to future children with a non-Orthodox conversion, not least of which that I can teach them the values with which I agree...and I've thought about what I'll tell my children when we have the conversation about the non-Orthodoxy of my conversion:
If my child is a boy, I will tell him that he is lucky – as long as he marries a woman who is Jewish by birth, this problem will not be inherited by his children.
If my child is a girl, I will tell her that I am extremely sorry that she has to deal with this conflict with her own children as well. But I will remind her that isn’t she grateful for her Bat Mitzvah? For being able to be appreciated as a full, active member of her community with a voice, a proud female who doesn’t have to listen to people tell her things about, say, not being able to chant from the Torah because it would be “immodest,” insult the dignity of the congregation, and/or not fulfill the obligation of a congregation’s prayer?
And if I have a gay child, I will tell him/her that I thought of them while I was converting. I know about the possibility of an LGBT-identified child and I want a community that won’t tell them that they are fundamentally flawed/can’t live a fulfilling life with someone that they love.
And, finally, I will tell my children that I will support them 100% if they want to pursue an Orthodox conversion. I will not under any circumstances view it as a slight or an insult to my own choices.
That's my opinion, and after a lot of struggling with this issue, I think I've finally found some peace. Could my opinion change? Of course. But I don't think it will. As I've mentioned, I'm still in high school (not in college yet with tons of freedom -- lucky you!) but we DO, amazingly, have a Jewish teacher at my school. A couple of months ago I worked up the courage to ask her to attend services one weekend at her synagogue. Her synagogue is Reform, but I definitely think they lean toward the Conservative end of that spectrum (services are almost entirely in Hebrew, and they use the Etz Hayim/Conservative chumash.) Anyway, it was during Sukkot, we were in the sukkah that morning, and everything and everyone was beautiful and wonderful and fantastic. Now I'm trying to figure out an excuse to go back!
I'd love to elaborate more on all this, but I'm pretty sure I've just written half a novel, so I'll try to wrap this up. You'll hear this from so many people, but think about what YOU want, stay true to yourself and your convictions, and you'll probably make the right choice, whether that's Orthodox Judaism, non-Orthodox Judaism, Sufism, Sikhism, a unique all-around spirituality, or something else.
Yep, I think that's (finally) all I have to say. That, and please keep writing!
Best of luck!
Caroline
Mary, I was fairly certain when I went to speak to a Rabbi but I knew I needed to be a part of a community too. You are already doing that by going to services.
ReplyDeleteCaroline, You are amazing. Your point about conversion is so right!! And all I have to say is that I am so impressed that you are already figuring out a different religion while in high school. You are gonna be so ahead of the game by college. My only advice would be to pick a college with a Hillel because the community is open and welcoming and incredibly fun.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice! I'm actually consumed in a mountain of college applications right now! And I'm glad I could be of at least a little help. :-)
ReplyDelete