Catholic Enough For Hell

What does it mean "Catholic enough for hell"?

I actually heard this in a documentary about orthodox converts to Judaism, so it's not at all original. A man was giving a talk about his conversion to Judaism and he said (roughly) "When people find out I converted and grew up Catholic, their next question is always 'well, just how Catholic were you?' And I tell them, I was Catholic enough that I knew I was going to hell. So I changed religions." It was a joke, but not really. I could feel that there was truth in his words and understood the pain he'd once felt. When I heard this, it described my feelings about the church pretty well, and now that I am certain I want to convert, the description is dead on.

I figured out pretty early in my childhood that what the church was teaching and I believe (slash, was taught at home) were two very different things. When I think back on the things my parents/family taught me, this is what I remember: G-d said, "be a good person;" respect your parents; do what you can to help others; it is a sin to waste your talents, your G-d given talents. No one ever told me only Catholics go to heaven or only Catholics can be saved. My parents never condemned people to hell or even taught me about purgatory (that is, until I watched the movie Purgatory with my dad). My parents never preached that I needed to "wait" until marriage, that life begins at conception, or that birth control is bringing about the demise of the traditional family structure. And no one really made it seem like Jesus was central to any of those tenants.

When I was young, I didn't notice the disconnect. I saw nothing peculiar about learning one thing at home and one thing at CCD. I learned different things at home than at school, so why should religious school be any different? If I did, by some chance, notice a discrepancy I'd side with my parents (Honor your father and your mother that you may long endure, Exodus 20:12), for it was always my parents who truly had my best interest in mind. As I got older, I started to realize that the things I believe were not the same thing the church told me I need to believe. I tried to understand what they were telling me, but it didn't make any sense. After a long time I realized I would not change, I could not change. I just accepted that we didn't agree. According to them, I was most likely going to go to hell (might as well live it up).

Once I decided to live by the tenants that I identified with and not the ones the church tried to force on me, living became easier. But the problems always came when I sat around thinking. I thought maybe I should be doing something more Catholic, trying to live by what they told me at CCD. I always came back to the same conclusion: I was going to go to hell. In fact, most of my family was probably going to to hell, too. They didn't seem too distressed about it, so why should I be?

I let my beliefs change, grow, and expand in a non-Catholic way. I knew I was damned according to their logic either way, so I should try to be a good person the way I see it. I eventually realized that G-d is a loving, merciful G-d and what they said couldn't be true. After years of thought, estrangement, strained prayer, and social justice work, I discovered a place where my beliefs about G-d and the world would be accepted. I couldn't believe at first that Jews believe what I believe or they live in a way I think one should live. I couldn't believe, most of all, that not all Jews believe the same things. There are different opinions on every topic. There is no dogma.

Now, here I am more than a year and a half after I first discovered there could be a place in the world for me. I don't have to be a lone wolf if I don't want to be. It has been long enough, and it's time to change religions. I am not going to hell and no one could convince me otherwise.

I want to continue to grow and learn on the path I set myself on seven years ago. One day, I want to share all that I have learned with my children, and my children's children. Today in shul I realized just how much that means to me when we read these words:

But take utmost care and watch yourselves scrupulously, so that you do not forget the things that you saw with your own eyes and so that they do not fade from your mind as long as you live. And make them known to your children and to your children's children. [Deuteronomy 4:9]

 Passing on who I am is of the utmost importance to me and that is what Moses implored the Israelites to do in this week's Torah portion. These words are truly eternal.

In exactly three weeks, my conversion/introduction to Judaism class begins. Does that mean I am officially converting to Judaism now?