A Reflection

The school year is almost over, and it's time for reflection. I have been going to Hillel for over a year. I feel like I've grown a lot in that time, but in some ways still feel like I am at square one. I go to Hillel Friday night shabbat services most weeks and go there a lot during the week, usually to eat. I've been to reform and orthodox shuls and all three kinds of services. I've still never been to a conservative shul, though. I know the standard reform service and am working on conservative. I can read Hebrew. I've read all of Jewish Literacy (and if you know the book, you know it's a shlep to get through it), as well as This is My G-d, half of To Be  A Jew, and I'm partially through at least seven other books on Judaism (please see What I'm Reading). At least an hour of my day is spent reading Jewish blogs or Jewish information online. I try not to do that on shabbat out of respect (plus the fact that some of them go off line on shabbat). I am about to take my third Jewish studies class in the fall. I study Torah. I have read half of the Tanakh and plan to make a dent in the rest this summer.  I recently made the decision to cut out all pork (it was down to just bacon anyway) and seafood. I kept Passover and the Yom Kippur fast.

So what does all of this mean? Well, it seems, if anything, I've developed a Jewish identity. It's a little scary. But it's also really cool. Also starting to accumulate a Jewish wardrobe (ya know, Jew tshirts). But most important (I think), I no longer feel the Catholic identity projected onto me. I've shed that completely and I know that that was the single most important element to moving on in my life. Even if I wanted to be a Universalist or something, I still would have had to completely rid myself of that conflicting identity. Even though I didn't believe in or practice Catholicism, I was still hurting all the time when I felt Catholic projected on me. Now I don't feel that happening, ever. I don't get so upset anymore to learn about the mishaps of the Church (which happen quite frequently as you all know). There is such freedom to that. With that gone, there is lots of room for a Jewish identity to fill in. I know I have the rest of my life for that to happen and for the identity to develop and change, but I imagine the bulk will happen in the next year or two. And I'm really freaking excited.

I have plans to find a rabbi this summer, in addition to several other Jewish goals. But I mostly want to find a rabbi (or two) so I can learn more. My parents asked me not to study with a rabbi until I graduate college, but I have kind of plateaued with my Jewish learning and it is very frustrating. I have to learn more. Learning continually, incessantly is how I got here and I have no intentions of stopping. It was Confucius who said it matters not how slowly you go so long as you do not stop. I cannot stop learning, for then that means I stop living. Who knows when I'll actually convert but I have to continue learning. It is the Jewish way, after all.