Conversations on Conversion, part 2

During our first talk about conversion, the rabbi said something interesting. So interesting that I decided it needs its own post. When we were discussion Christianity, my experiences with it and my currently feelings toward it, she said something to the affect of, "Don't be running from something. Well, you can but eventually be running toward something. We want you to be running toward Judaism." This is actually a great way to describe the process I think I am in the middle of. It reminded me of this article I read a while back about college kids converting to Judaism. Hillel rabbis have commented on the surprising number of students who approach them about conversion. Some rabbis don't think this is a good thing; they think that kids wanting to convert to Judaism is a response to fundamental Christianity. I think they couldn't be more wrong.

Converting to Judaism is not a reaction to the growing fundamentalism among conservative Christians. Militant atheism is. If I wanted to do the opposite of what evangelical Christians do, I would be an atheist skeptic. I would spend my time pointing out all of the inconsistencies in Christian scripture and theology. I would be a huge debbie downer about Christmas and mock Easter. That's not what I want. That doesn't sound very fulfilling to me. Yes, certain things about Christians drive me nuts. Yes, there are times I'd really like to point that out. But, what is the point? I will not change their minds. I can't waste time talking to people who won't listen. Converting to Judaism is its own unique journey that cannot be described as going in the opposite direction of Christianity.

I'll admit it: I've run from Christianity. I've run fast and hard, circled back, run some more and then sprinted out. For most of that time, I didn't know where I was running. I just kept going, kept wandering. I've traveled a lot of places to check out the scene, but I know that toward Judaism is where I'm headed. But I'm not running anymore. I'd say I'm walking at a slow pace, moseying, if you will. I'm taking my time getting there. But I keep checking back over my shoulder, making sure nothing is coming after me. Something might have followed me out when I ran from Christianity.

I'm taking my time with Judaism because I am afraid. I'm afraid of what will happen when the door is closed completely on Christianity. If I don't have closure - if that's what I even need - I'll never find peace in Judaism. I'm afraid of that small tug of betrayal I feel whenever I read about the current affairs of the Catholic Church. The biggest question I am dealing with now is, will that feeling ever go away? It's painful, and I'm tired of dealing with it.